What I hear women saying and also what I have experienced in relationship with men is that the primary block to connection is rage. I’ve noticed that because boys are taught that feelings are for girls and to be a man you essentially can’t have feelings. They have suppressed these feelings to the extent that their personality begins to take on their rage as part of who they believe themselves to be. Congealed rage is also a term that accurately describes this suppression and how it can seem to become a part of a person’s character.
When men are living with congealed rage in their nervous system it wreaks havoc on relationship.
This force field of emotion collides with a woman’s natural nurturing instinct. We realize that our man is in pain and we believe that we must do something to help! Unfortunately, this instinct isn’t really what we need to kick in at this point. What we need is boundaries. When we try to come to the “rescue” of our partner then we rob them of the opportunity to integrate the lessons they need to own their internal wounding to become capable of healing themselves. They can then search for the suitable resources needed for their journey. With sex/porn addiction this has been quite difficult to find right now, since their are so few resources available that align with trauma, healthy attachment, and sexuality’s latest advances.
Living and being in partnership with someone where their own feelings are the most feared thing in his life can be terrifying for any partner.
Male partner’s suppressed feelings create syndromes and scenarios. Inevitably taken out on you. They include:
• Feelings of inadequacy and failure
• Feelings of sexual inferiority
• Treadmill of frustration
• Control patterns including manipulation
• Blame and Resentment
• Conjured double (fantasy based) life, which can include delusional aspirations of living life as Hugh Hefner did
•. Addictions and Compulsions, some overt some covert
• Shame on tap
• Consumerism gone bust, either nipping at their throats or would rather live on the streets but still bunking up with it. The chase for money having been programmed to believe their worth is measured by it.
• Resentment of their victimhood from government’s hypocrisy. Which has resulted in men losing trust in their integrity.
• Feelings from distance created between partner, kids and family
• Feelings of helplessness on how to connect
• Eluding responsibility for self by keeping blame solely on childhood dysfunction
• Perpetual of judgment of others. Creating distance through this judgement. Doesn’t like so and so because of …..either imaginary wrongdoings or exaggerated judgement of these wrongdoings.
• Inflated sense of self. Usually an extreme opposite of what he really thinks of himself. Wounding can’t be traced so it is shrouded in self-centeredness. Decoy for avoiding taking part in things that involve caring or in service to others in his life. A defense mechanism that creates a chasm of difficulty when asked to participate which leads people around him to avoid any future interactions or invitations.
• Aversion to responsibility. Learned how to dodge responsibility to lead a double life without detection.
It’s necessary to understand the complexities that men are facing in their lives and in relationship with their partners. My primary focus has been on heterosexual couples but all couples with opposing polarity of feminine and masculine energies will encounter similar dynamics.
We now know when the reality of our experience is embraced we stand a much better chance at expanding and growing to meet these needs.
It’s time for us to find our roadmap equipped with boundaries as we become both knowledgable and empowered to live a thriving life!
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