Why My Marriage Started Out Bad
When I first met my ex-husband I was twenty-five and I was looking for someone to love and that I could start my life with. I had a challenging childhood so I really wanted to find someone that I could understand and that could understand me and we could create a beautiful family together. That was twenty-eight years ago. When I met him I knew that I was falling in love with him and we could make our family together. But, shortly after becoming a couple something happened. He told me that he had gone to another woman’s house and made out with her. I was devastated. I told myself ‘oh well, that’s over.’ A few days later he called and asked me if I would meet him to talk. I was reluctant but I said ok. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for what he had done. I forgave him and told him that I wanted to have a family. He told me he did too. One night we were out together and this particular woman was there, I was so angry at her for “trying to take my guy”. He saw how I blamed her for his indiscretion.
I realize now, a year after my divorce has been final, that it was from the very beginning stages of my relationship with him that I walked right into my first gaslighting game. I was being conned to see if I would pass the narcissist’s supply test. And I did by immediately forgiving his betrayal without erecting any boundaries accompanied by consequences. To boot I proceeded to blame the woman not him. I had no skills for navigating this safely for myself.
Its taken me a long time to get the picture that this pattern was set up for me from the very beginning of our relationship and set a precedence for the rest of our time together. I continued to forgive him and blame women.
I could feel like a fool but I don’t. There are cruel games being played on people everyday because we haven’t been taught that this type of threat to our well being and happiness is real. If a covert narcissist can get the supply he needs by manipulating you he will.
Why does he need this supply so badly that he feels the need to con someone into believing that he loves them and then take advantage of them? What is it that he needs that he feels he doesn’t have?
Well its so simple that it seems incredible that they would go to such lengths to get it. Its your self worth. They don’t feel that they have any self worth. They got the message, from early in their childhood from their caregiver, either through abuse and/or neglect that they aren’t worth anything and they believe that about themselves. When they meet a person that has so much self worth that they can even give compassion readily to others. They are jealous and they want it for themselves. They got the idea that its something that they can take from you. And they can but only temporarily so they have to keep filling themselves up with more and more supply. Usually looking for admiration and pity as their prime target. Because of their jealousy for you they try to drag you into competition with them. Then the games are on. They will do everything they can to set up situations so you can prove your strength. This is how they wear you down until you have nothing more to give.
I had no idea that my self worth was such an incredibly sought after commodity and in such high demand. I didn’t know that it was something that I needed to protect at all cost. I do now!
Once the covert narcissist is exposed they melt like the wicked witch of the west. Yes, they will create blowback that is painful but their history is just to discard and look for their next supply. Usually they will try to get someone from their past that they had conned before. A guy that has a narcissist youtube channel calls it their 'harem garage’. This is hysterical but accurate. As soon as I exposed my covert narcissist he was relentlessly calling and messaging exes, old coworkers, even a girlfriend he had at sixteen.
As angry as this can make you with their cruel intentions and attacks its so pathetic its hard to feel anything but just sad for them. They don’t know what love feels like because their severe attachment disorder prohibited them from feeling the reliable spiritual healthy attachment called love, they’ve lived without it their entire lives. As partners we want more than anything in the world to give it to them but unfortunately it isn’t something that can be given in that way. They have to learn what authentic adult self love is for them, and to garner its benefits for long enough to prove that its worth outweighs the games/strategies they created and have been playing out for so long.
The point of this blog is to show the patterns we start off with in the beginning of our relationships usually stick with us throughout. Unless something causes us to seek help through therapy or coaching its impossible for us to see our own patterns while we are in them.
If you feel like this may be happening for you or you resonate with what I’m discussing here please follow-up with a resource that could help you.
I’ve learned that love is only possible if both people can truly participate and engage in its presence and generation of its energy.