Updated: Jan 18
In recent years, neuroscientists have found that skin-to-skin contact has many essential benefits for leading happy lives.
So pertinent is it to our overall wellbeing that without it we can feel run down, depressed, and disconnected in our body and our relationships.
Loving someone isn’t enough, we also need to know how to do that. I grew up believing that everything should just come naturally. That love was the one thing that we didn’t need to learn how to do because well…I don’t know…just because it's love!
It's quite possible that far back in our past, pre-patriarchy for sure, that it did come naturally to people. But today, when we are bombarded with a barrage of intrusive conditioning and confusing advice it's easy to get mixed up about what the heck is going on. Which usually causes one or both partners to go underground and bow out.
The answer to this is simple: we need to put our attention on learning the hows of lovemaking and bonding. Our body is equipped with an extraordinary intelligent system that is wired for magnetizing with our beloved, and I think it's time we utilize this.
The more that we allow ourselves to open to new lovemaking possibilities that are relaxing and not leading us towards a foolish goal then we can relax into our body’s innate intelligence.
Our endocrine system loves us for this because it can harmonize itself so effectively when oxytocin from this energy gets exchanged which is generating more love.
In her book, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow Marnia Robinson outlines what she calls Ecstatic Exchanges where couples can use this soothing practice to mellow out a revved up libido that also warms us up when we are feeling shut down.
Once we are secure in the fact that our partner is taking responsibility of their emotions and there is complete transparency, it makes learning and exploring together the greatest joy there is!
Bonding ecstatic exchanges are a delightful daily practice that over time will help you stay connected to your partner.
On a typical day, you meet your partner for a set amount of time and you engage with each other by picking an exchange that each of you enjoys. If you like, it can be helpful to make exchanges into cards that you keep by the bed so you can draw an exchange randomly.
An example of an exchange is rubbing each other's heads. Using touch that is filled with the love you have for your beloved and allowing your mind to clear and be in a gap of presence.
Another example would be kissing with lips and tongues. Slowing way down to enjoy the essence of each other, without needing to rush on to other things. You can also opt for holding hands if it feels comfy or hold your loved ones' faces as you stroke their face and kiss ever so slowly. And remember, the only goal you have is to relax!
This kind of bonding also encourages equality between partners by coming together without pressure on one partner more than the other. Feelings are openly shared and mutually embraced with no need to fix the other.
The shortest amount of time that is required for maximum benefits is 25 minutes daily, but don’t hesitate to apply liberally!
This connection slowly begins to be something you look forward to rather than dread.
If any roadblocks arise, then stop what you are doing and see if it is something that you need help with from a safe resource or if it is something you would like to examine together. Some of the more deep painful woundings get sticky, so they may require some outside help.
Once your appointment for bonding exchange is set, do everything you can to not change it. Treat it like the most special appointment you have ever had that would be difficult to reschedule. Bring awareness to any resistance. Old patterns of intimacy avoidance arise now and again. This is normal, and it fades over time. Don’t hesitate to inquire within yourself and share your feelings with your partner before you begin. It can be a wonderful opening to becoming vulnerable with your partner in this way before beginning these exchanges.
Also, bring into your awareness any feelings of love and joy that you may have never savored before. Our lives can become so busy that we may have never let ourselves feel certain sensations arising and falling. Do it!
Lastly, agree to add bonding-based intercourse to your repertoire once you have become accustomed to making love through ecstatic exchanges. You may both agree to set up a certain night of the week where you have time to explore for many hours. Staying physically connected is easy once you learn how, and once the body becomes acclimatized to this way of being, then the body’s magical magnetizing powers take hold and the body’s intelligence is now in the driver’s seat.
Practice, practice, practice daily and you won’t be sorry!
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