• Katie Korzen

Bonding 101

In recent years, neuroscientists have found that skin to skin contact has many essential benefits for leading happy lives.

So pertinent is it to our overall wellbeing that without it we can feel run down, depressed and disconnected in our body and in our relationship.

Loving someone isn’t enough, we also need to know how to do that. I grew up believing that everything should just come naturally. That love was the one thing that we didn’t need to learn how to do because well…I don’t know…just because its love.

Its quite possible that far back in our past, pre-patriarchy for sure, that it came naturally to people. But today, when we are bombarded with a barrage of intrusive conditioning and confusing advice its easy to get mixed up about what the heck is going on. Which usually causes one or both partners to go underground and bow out.

The answer to this ongoing debate is really both. We need to put our attention on learning the hows of lovemaking and bonding. We can feel rest assured that our body is equipped with an extraordinary intelligence system that is wired for magnetizing with our beloved.

The more we allow ourselves to open to new possibilities to lovemaking that is relaxing and not leading us towards a foolish goal then we can relax into our body’s innate intelligence.

Our endocrine system loves us for this, because it can harmonize itself so effectively when oxytocin from this energy gets exchanged which actually is generating more love.

Marnia Robinson outlines, in her book: Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, what she calls Ecstatic Exchanges where couples can use this soothing practice to mellow out a revved up libido and also warm us up when we are feeling shut down.

Once we are secure in the fact that our partner is taking responsibility for their emotions and there is complete transparency it makes learning and exploring together the greatest joy there is!

Bonding ecstatic exchanges are a delightful daily practice that over time will help you stay connected to your partner.

On a typical day you meet your partner for a set amount of time and you engage with each other by picking an exchange each that you enjoy. If you like, it can be helpful to make exchanges into cards that you keep by the bed so you can draw an exchange randomly.

An example of an exchange is rubbing each others head. Using touch that is filled with the love you have for your beloved and allowing your mind to clear and be in a gap of presence.

Another example would be kissing with lips and tongues. Slowing way down to really enjoy the essence of each others being without needing to rush on to other things. Holding hands if it feels comfy or hold your loved ones face as you stroke their face and kiss ever so slowly. And remember the only goal you have is to relax!

It also encourages equality between partners by coming together without pressure on one partner more than the other. Feelings are openly shared and mutually embraced with no need to fix the other.

The shortest amount of time that is required for maximum benefit is 25 minutes daily, but don’t hesitate to apply liberally!

Connection slowly begins to be something you look forward to rather than dread.

If any roadblocks arise than stop what you are doing and see if it is something that you need help with from a safe resource or if it is something you would like to examine together. Some of the more deep painful wounding gets sticky so it may require some outside help.

Once your appointment for bonding exchange is set, do everything you can to not change it. Treat it like the most specialized appointment you have ever had that would be difficult to reschedule. Just bring awareness to the resistance. Allow yourself to deal with it accordingly but don’t rush to over react by rescheduling. Old patterns of intimacy avoidance arise now and again its normal and fade over time. Don’t hesitate to inquire within yourself and share your feelings with your partner before you begin. It can be a wonderful opening to becoming vulnerable with your partner in this way before beginning the exchanges.

Also, bring into your awareness feelings of love and joy that you may have never savored before. Our lives can become so busy that we may have never let ourselves feel certain sensations arising and falling. Do it!

Lastly, agree to add bonding-based intercourse to your repertoire once you have become accustomed to making love through ecstatic exchanges. You may both agree to set up a certain night of the week where you have more time so you can explore together for many hours. Staying physically connected is easy once you learn how. And once the body becomes acclimatized to this way of being then the body’s magical magnetizing powers take hold and the body’s intelligence is now in the driver’s seat.

Practice, practice, practice daily and you won’t be sorry!

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