I have believed this to be true for most of my life.
Yes. Men do feel and I would say should feel loved and even worthy from a close connective experience with one another. But that doesn’t seem to be what is happening today.
If men look to sex to make them feel loved and worthy then they’re putting a great burden on sex. Because of the weight that men are walking around with, we (men and women both) might want to take a closer look at this conditioned belief.
In order to make love in a sustainable way we must keep our own emotional terrain in check. By learning to navigate our own emotions, before we come together, we create the most stable ground enabling us to connect with one other.
The old conditioned belief about sex has caused so much unneeded suffering. We are, in many ways, taught to gear our whole lives around hurried sex.
As we bring more mindfulness into our everyday lives we begin to realize how simple it is to apply it to our sex life. Through this new lens we can begin to practice ecstatic sex rather than remaining static.
This is how sex becomes intimacy really, isn’t it?
Through this presence we can now begin to slow down and bring a gentle curiosity. As we continue day by day with this attitude of allowing we enter into a natural unfolding that is both sensual and exhilarating. Relaxation-based and playful.
How is it that this simple process has gone so unnoticed for so long?
What I have witnessed with my clients and in my own life is that we accept so much about sex that we have been taught without any real investigating. Why? We spend so much time investigating so many other things in life from birthing to parenting etc. These assumptions have left us, a lot of the time, feeling broken. With answers seemingly just out of reach.
Without the appropriate tools and skills we are like wounded refugees wondering around looking for our intimacy homeland.
Our intimate selves are intrinsically connected to our earliest beginnings on this earth. Since we are born the most vulnerable of all mammals it is essential that we have a psycho-spiritual connection with our earliest caregiving human. Unfortunately, our culture hasn’t supported the mother role nearly enough to allow for this tenderest of time to unfold organically.
We have become so wounded from not feeling like we are getting ALL of our needs met. Not only food, and shelter but our emotionally driven need for connection in all its forms. Most of the people on the planet now have an attachment disorder to some degree. Which has lead us to the pandemic of sex addiction and compulsion and many others.
To return to a place where addictions and compulsions are no longer ruining our ability to connect with each other, we need to learn emotional literacy and how to change how we are having sex.
Of course, emotions will continue to rise and fall no matter how mindful we are. But, when we learn how to take responsibility for our own emotions and change our intention away from emotionally fueled sex we begin to see a shift towards love.
The most amazing connective lovemaking is engaged in with total transparency and respect of each others emotional states.
When we handle ourselves with care before making love, we allow the spaciousness for love to fill our hearts! And now we’re getting somewhere! Right there in the moment of the experience.
How beautiful is that?
To know that you’re no longer obligated to use your body or your sexual experience to help regulate somebody else’s emotions.
This has been one of the most liberating things I’ve learned in my life.
We can have both.
We don’t have to shut down to sex.
We can have a male partner that is willing to take care of his own emotional terrain.
Wow! It feels so limitless to finally know that this IS possible.
Making the choice to unburden sex from its emotional stronghold it has on us, is the first step to reclaiming intimacy. Leaving both partners feeling loved and worthy!